Marriage is very hard work, and it is common for married couples to experience issues leaving them feeling as if divorce is their only alternative.  However, divorce may not be your only option.  Divorce should be your last step, not the first.  Working past your issues with your spouse to maintain a healthy, strong marriage requires a determined effort by you and your spouse.  A solid sense that both parties are committed to making the marriage work is a key ingredient to making a marriage last forever. If you and your spouse commit to taking the following steps, they will likely help you carry on through the years, growing stronger as a couple:

1. Get Counseling NOW! If you are experiencing problems in your marriage, you should seek counseling immediately.  If you are unable to convince your spouse to attend counseling with you, you should consider going by yourself.  This is because the issues that lead up to wanting a divorce tend to cause a lot of emotional strife.  Obtaining counseling may help decrease the emotional effects caused by enduring an unhappy marriage.  Even if counseling is unable to save your marriage, it will likely help you overcome the hurt and pain that typically comes along with deciding to end a marriage.  Bellevue Baptist Church offers free counseling. You may click the following link to learn more about their counseling program: Bellevue Baptist Church Counseling.

2. Identify the main issue causing problems.  Typically, marriages are drained of love from one issue.  The love could be draining out of your marriage due to communication issues, sexual issues, financial issues, family issues, a lack of trust, a lack of forgiveness, or difficulty getting past a traumatic event. It is important to determine where the leak is in your marriage so that you can actively take steps to seal the leak.

3. Make a plan.  Your marriage isn’t just going to magically get better.  You will need to develop a plan aimed at attacking the leak in order to strengthen your marriage.  The best plans involve communication, problem-solving, and increasing intimacy.  However these are not typically done at the same time.  Communication will likely need to happen before problem solving as trying to do both simultaneously may prove to be overwhelming.  Typically there is not a single answer that will resolve all of your marital issues.  Instead you should strive to create a multistep plan that will allow you to focus on one small thing at a time.  I offer a Marriage Enrichment Session to assist you with this step.

4. Anticipate and prepare for resistance.  People don’t tend to react to change optimistically, even when the change is beneficial to them.  Your spouse may not respond pleasantly in respond to the changes you make for the betterment of your marriage.  In fact they may even resist the changes.  When it comes to implementing changes, you should hope for the best and expect the worst.  Expecting a bad reaction, and understanding that it is a normal and temporary adjustment will let you know that what you are doing is working.  Ensure that you plan for how you will respond to those negative reactions from your spouse.  Remember those bad reactions are growing pains.  

5. Ensure you give your spouse extra words of affirmation.  It is important that you take steps to encourage change in your marriage long before you feel like being encouraging.  I know it may seem difficult, but if you don’t break the mold you and your spouse will never get out of the never ending circle of marital grief. You must be the change in your marriage that you want to see! People have a habit of reciprocating actions that are reflect onto them…whether it be kindness or anger.  So reflect the change you want to see in your spouse by enacting the change in yourself.  Your spouse may have a long way to go, but whenever you see effort, make sure you encourage it, no matter how minimal it may seem to you.

6. Work with your spouse after the initial improvement.  Many people try to work with their spouse too soon.  You should wait to work with your spouse until after you and your spouse have developed good communication.  Working too soon with your spouse can cause conflict, which may turn your spouse off from wanting to work together.  Your efforts to work with your spouse will be more enjoyable and successful once you and your spouse’s communication and respect has improved.